My Depression and Joy

A number of years ago I came to terms with the fact that I had depression.  My wife had advised me to see a Christian counselor for some different issues, depression being one of them (side note, I am more and more convinced that everyone needs counseling; whether that is professional, pastoral, or from a friend).  

I remember when I first went and talked to my doctor about depression, he recommended that I take medication.  I felt relieved but also unsure.  Questions raced through my head like: should a Christian have depression?  should a pastor have depression?  if I'm free from sin as a believer in Jesus Christ, why do I need medicine to treat this?  To be honest I don't know If I have all the answers to those questions yet.  Depression is a hard thing to describe.  It's in your head.  It's dark.  Lonely.  I often describe it to Adrianne as being stuck inside my head.  I'm naturally introverted and a thinker so depression seems to come on easier for me.  

But something has been different lately.  You can ask my wife and she'll tell you.  Yes, I do still take medication.  And yes, I've come to terms with the fact that medication and being a Christian is ok.  But something more than the medication has been affecting me.  Over the last year and a half I have felt a joy and contentment that can only be described as being "a joy of the Lord."  

And the last two to four months I have just felt alive in a new way.  I feel excited.  I love my church.  I love my family.  I love my job.  I literally can't sleep (probably part of that is having a new baby who doesn't sleep a lot, but it's something more than that!).  I want to stay up late writing and reading.  I can't wait to come home and read books by puritans from the 1600's and from pastors in the 1800's... that's normal right?  I feel like God has put a joy and excitement in me for my job and family like never before.  I love to study and preach the Word.  I love to dream and think about what God will do through Lighthouse Community Church.

While I haven't been sleeping well because of a new baby in the house and because of this crazy new joy for the Lord, I feel energized, I feel excited, I feel content.  I feel like I am where God wants me to be.  That God has gifted and called me for such a time as this.  I am not tired, I am alive and filled with God's Holy Spirit of love, joy, peace, and contentment.  I think this passage from The Lion, the Witch, and Wardrobe describes best how I feel:

“‘Oh, children,’ said the Lion, ‘I feel my strength coming back to me. Oh, children, catch me if you can!’ He stood for a second, his eyes very bright, his limbs quivering, lashing himself with his tail. Then he made a leap high over their heads and landed on the other side of the Table. Laughing, though she didn’t know why, Lucy scrambled over it to reach him. Aslan leaped again. A mad chase began. Round and round the hill-top he led them, now hopelessly out of their reach, now letting them almost catch his tail, now diving between them, now tossing them in the air with his huge and beautifully velveted paws and catching them again, and now stopping unexpectedly so that all three of them rolled over together in a happy laughing heap of fur and arms and legs. It was such a romp as no one had ever had except in Narnia; and whether it was more like playing with a thunderstorm or playing with a kitten Lucy could never make up her mind.”  And the funny thing was that when all three finally lay together panting in the sun the girls no longer felt in the least tired or hungry or thirsty."